I really like your dive into this issue. I think this is a topic that should be taught to high schoolers. It’s too late in life to be learning this now!

In any case, I have a suggestion for how to possibly improve the unpalatable behavior example:

“I love that you have so much energy. It really comes out when I’m sitting next to you pair-programming, and you throw your arms in the air and wave them, and it makes me feel really energized too. If we could just deal with one thing that’s distracting me a little, it’d mean we could keep the energy going. And please don’t be embarrassed and feel free to let me know what I can do also … but I really think it would help if you could try some of the new Lynx fragrances, and my friend rates Right Guard; something like that would smell nice.”

In this case, the use of “Unfortunately…” seemed to me a lot like the negating “But…” example that you provided earlier in the post.

-Jonathan

Chris Pollard has a great style of feedback he refers to as “Atkins” – the sandwich model without the bread. We’ve agreed that it’s very effective if the stuff that’s valued has already been stated, or if you have great rapport with the person you’re talking to and they can ask questions about the feedback freely.

So, by the time I get know an individual to work out that they’re the kind that prefers direct feedback, we’ve probably already stated the stuff that I value anyway and got it pinned down. In that case, yes, I am sometimes direct.

This model can do some magic though. A lot of the time when I use it people don’t even notice that I’ve just given them some feedback. They say “That’s pretty cool!” and try out one of the options, or think of their own. For me, that habit of self-improvement is more powerful than any feedback I could give.

[I was going to prepare a feedback sandwich, but just can't stomach it!]

This is an interesting read (and topic), *but* something really bugs me about this style of communication. I prefer people to be direct with me; I would go as far as saying I respect them more for being direct. When I talk to people who try to edge around an issue in this way I come away feeling either patronised or unsure what it was we were discussing.

It all sounds a bit passive aggressive to me. That’s not to say it can’t be effective in some situations, but you should be prepared to be more direct with people who value that approach.